Don't I just love it when my mother says things that strikes the inner cords to my every heart breaking being. Gosh, I just love that....

.....

I don't like it when she makes me feel this way.
She always has this affect over me.
Not a positive one.

I can't understand what I am feeling right at this very moment. I am angry and also sad. By what? By the fact that no one I love seems to understand the excitement and yern I have.
I don't understand and it doesn't make me feel better either.

It doesn't make me feel better to know that all the ones I do want to talk to about this feeling can't advise me.
It doesn't make me feel better to argue with my mother about it.
It doesn't make me feel better to feel like I am alone.

I bet that's exactly what you want me to feel isn't it?
Oh, Satan. Dear Satan. My heart is set. I am still looking for a way and even if I feel so down, it just simply means I'm still seeking.

So I'm heading up to Fresno this weekend with a few of the sisters I have been studying with. We just got word that the Hmong congregation in fresno has barely established a hall. There are only two congregations of Hmong Jehovah Witnesses in California, Fresno and Sacramento, which Fresno is establishing there hall this Sat. I am excited to see how Hmong people differ, especially these. There are so many questions I want to ask. "How do you separate Hmong culture and Gods culture. How do you deal with  it all?"

So these sisters I have been studying with are so excited. I think they are most excited for me because they understand my questions. Excited that I'll get to see an answer I have been longing for.

Note to self: Delete my online network trail.

I decided to Google my own name and see what had came up. Of course, the first thing I did was skim through the pictures on Google's "Image" and as I expected... nothing popped up. "YES!" I then go through the "Web" to see if there is information about me online and that's where it hit me! I saw a link that showed me all the information on women who had my name. 

My goodness. It gave me background checks, home numbers, some cell numbers, home addresses.
What the heck...

=) time to delete things 

I Miss...

I miss being the old churchie me. Not really someone who knew God, but someone who followed in the culture of church. I miss that, the church culture. It brought me comfort knowing that I had a zeal of intelligence; comfort in a lifestyle that I believed would bring me salvation. ah...

I miss it.
I miss the church songs. I miss the stirred up emotions. I miss feeling like I was forgiven for being ignorant, thinking that I saw the truth. I sometimes wish I was ignorant, wouldn't that be easier?

I don't understand but at the same time I do.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to even say you're name. It rolls off my tongue so oddly. I even twitch a little just saying it, thinking it.
Is this so wrong of me? I'm having a hard time letting go of things. And why, for so long, have I always known I would have to give it all up one day?

Someone always tells me, "God draws you because you have the right heart condition."
Do I really? What heart condition is that? Is it because I've always questioned and seeked?

I'm struggling.
How do I take up your government and lose my life.
Ah.. lose my life....


 Jehovah
Still... a little... odd.

just keep studying.

New look, new you right?

Hum......
So tempted to chop chop my hair off.....
Thoughts.. oh the thoughts!